believe in the resolute urgency of now
so, exams are over (survived without serious incident, have to wait til the results are out though!) and I just got back from a week of shopping in London with a friend. it keeps hitting me suddenly that I have no work to do, nothing to worry about, and a whole summer stretching out before me. life is good!
earlier today I spent a good two hours alternately crying with happiness, grinning at my reflection and jumping around, though. sure, summer is good, but it doesn’t beat the fact that for the first time in my entire life I’m at a healthy bmi 
haven’t weighed myself in over a month now so I really had no idea what would happen, and although I was crossing my fingers for a gain, it was hard to be sure cause about six weeks back the difficulty I’d been having with my metabolism and appetite got to the point where I was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep gaining. however…after some amazing advice I received about stimulating appetite and kind of ‘tricking’ your body into getting more food in, I think putting that into practice must have done the trick the past few weeks.
anyway I had a review appointment this morning which was why I got weighed…basically it was to determine what to do with me seeing as I’m in such a good place, but my history is worrying. conclusion = infrequent check-ups…fine with me. they are reluctant to discharge which I understand. anyway, the point is, I got on the scales and literally did a little ‘squeee’ of happiness, then spent the next few hours grinning my face off. I never believed I would make it to this weight. it’s over 40lbs above my lowest and higher than I’ve ever been. but in the backwards weird way that life works, it’s causing me no issues whatsoever. I went to buy myself some new clothes as ‘reward’ and was way happier looking at my reflection than I was a few pounds lower. I guess I no longer have the slight insecurity I did while I knew I was underweight? anyway, it’s awesome.
so where does this leave me? for a while now I’ve felt like the missing ‘piece’ for me was a healthy bmi. I have no behaviours, I don’t weigh/measure/count or meal plan, I eat anything I want and don’t struggle with ED thoughts. at this point I obviously wouldn’t consider myself ‘totally recovered’ given that a) time-wise it is early for me and I need a good few months/years to pass, and b) I still want my weight a bit higher than it is now, right on the ‘barrier’ of 18.5 isn’t ideal for me. but I don’t consider myself ‘in recovery’ anymore either…anorexia plays no role in my head, so fighting it doesn’t need to either. sure I won’t change my diet or ‘go onto maintenance’ but that would be impossible anyway given that I don’t plan or carefully consider what I eat now, or have a clue about calories. from now on I need to move on with my life away from the eating disorder, cause it’s had no role in my day to day life for a while, and now I’ve passed the ‘barrier’ of a healthy bmi which was so significant and a massive fear in my head throughout my ED, I think it’s time to stop defining myself in relation to it.
so I suppose the inevitable consequence of this is that I doubt I’ll be blogging anymore 
I just don’t honestly think my day-to-day life aside from the ED is something I want to be ‘writing’ about, more ‘living’. and I know this differs for everyone, but for me my blog was my story. I’ve been keeping it up the past month cause I wanted one final showdown before I wrapped up the novel. I didn’t want to leave it with the idea that getting to a healthy weight isn’t a very significant part. I wish I could stick around and let you know when I hit my ‘target’ but a) I’m no longer worried that I will be afraid of gaining, cause this was the biggest ‘sticking point’ for me and b) let’s be honest I’ll probably not know when I DO get there unless I happen to have an appointment cause my interest in weighing myself is less than zero.
so now I feel a little sad and nostalgic. I am so thankful to people who have supported me and it has made me so happy to know that my ramblings have helped some people. I will probably still check my friends blogs 
I would miss you guys otherwise! and who knows I may update at some point to say I am still here and still happy! in any case emails are more than welcome…it’s on the ‘where all the ladders start’ page…
so this is goodbye. sniff all I want to leave this blog with is the idea that recovery is NOT ‘managing your thoughts’. it is being free of them. and life is worth it, for everyone. just had to end on a slightly cheesy note ok? I am having a happy day. now am off to get drunk and celebrate!
Sarah said,
June 7, 2010 at 5:55 pm
I’m happy and sad at the same time…remember your blog is always here when/if you need it, and you will always have a place on my blogroll
It’s interesting, because my blogging journey actually began when I’d reached a healthy weight, given that this and the newness of recovery still presented challenges for me. I guess it serves different functions at different times for all of us.
It’s been amazing to witness the transformation from when I first came across your blog (all those months ago), then to be lucky enough to meet you in person earlier this year (I would love to see you again sometime…) and all the while to read about your amazing, singleminded determination to really go for recovery.
I’m glad you kept a record of it here, because it’s a fantastic story, which I’m sure can and has inspired others. You are a total legend – please don’t be a stranger….
Sarah x
Woollen Typist said,
June 7, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Though I’ve not been really keeping up with reading blogs and all, I have read entries here and there.
What I mean to say is that I’m happy that things finally feel more complete for you. Enjoy your summer to the fullest and I hope you keep making lots of wonderful progress in your life.
You never know, maybe you’ll find something different to blog about…one day.
xx:)
Little Notes said,
June 7, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Awww Im sad to see you ‘go’ but at the same time Im happy because of your reasons for it. I think its great you’ve made it to the point you have done and truely amazing to read about your progress so far, it really is. I cant say it enough but the difference I read now from when I first started reading your blog is huge, you should be really proud of yourself
I hope all keeps going well for you, and remember Im still always here for you if you fancy a chat!
xox
Laura
lunchiemunchies said,
June 7, 2010 at 7:43 pm
So so proud and pleased for you m’dear! You are truly an inspiration, it really is incredible to see how you’ve flourished leaving this ed behind you.
Although of course I’ll miss your posts i’m pleased that you’re moving on. GET OUT THERE AND LIVE THAT LIFE!
Lots and lots of love,
Emm xoxoxoxo
ellie said,
June 7, 2010 at 7:54 pm
this post made me so happy- you rock
and congrats! I’ll miss your posts but it sounds like a natural ending…but don’t feel like you can’t come back and ramble about whatever is going on 
~Jessica Zara~ said,
June 7, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Echoing what others have said, I’m incredibly pleased for you and sad to see you go at the same time, but I entirely understand and support the reasoning behind your decision.
I think it’s true for many bloggers that the moment they truly leave their eating disorders behind is the moment they stop blogging, particularly in relation to food. I’ll miss your wit and humour the most and would still be interested in anything you chose to post about, food related or not, but as you say the best way to live life is not to overthink it.
If this is indeed the end of the novel then I couldn’t have wished for a better denouement.
<3
~Jess~
xxxxxxxxxxxx
jam said,
June 8, 2010 at 12:55 am
i think you show really what is real recovery. often at times, many ppl “recover”, but they still count kcals or eat v healthily, they only recover weight wise. u seem to be able to detach yrself from all ed behaviors.
anyway, goodbye!
Katie said,
June 8, 2010 at 9:45 am
Yay Fi!!! I hope you have a lovely summer, and that I get to see you at some point
I miss you on msn but I’m really glad you’re having fun instead of being online. I can’t wait until my exam is done so I can say the same thing!
Katherine: What About Summer? said,
June 13, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Congrats on exams being over, being a healthy weight and being happy! Hope you had a great first weekend off!
Katherine
louisa said,
June 14, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Hey,
I’ve spent many a time worrying about you, waiting to come here and read someone else telling your readers that you were dead. God, i’m glad that day never came, even though i don’t know you. You’ve worked and continue to work incredibly hard. Please please continue living and taking claim of all the life you’ve missed out on. Reach out to those who you know you can trust in this post-ed world you’re creating. If you find yourself slipping, don;t be too proud to get a leg up, to need a boost (pun intended), or check in – good or bad.
I wish you nothing but health and a life that ypu can live and fully inhabit.
Love, Louisa x