One Flew East, One Flew West

just a small addendum…

July 27, 2010 at 8:34 pm (Uncategorized)

I feel like posting again was probably a mistake, unfortunately. (so I’m posting again? eh? Just wanted to tie up loose ends I left with an update!)

Since I never posted here about much of ‘me’ outside from what’s related to my eating disorder (obviously I wrote about my life but only in that context), this now feels like ‘recovery space’ or ‘ED space’…which is why I left it behind…should have remembered that! Anyway, I was obviously having a grumpy miserable day, but I regret coming back and writing all that cause now I feel like I have to come back AGAIN and say ‘yep I’m ok and obviously shitty moods do pass’

But enough of that! Point is…as I said I am ok in the cold light of day when I’m not feeling stressed and out of my depth, honestly I should be looking on my worries as a good thing. If I didn’t feel like I was grieving for a huge part of me that I gave up…well, I’d be wondering what was wrong! Here’s a quote I found yesterday that sums it up perfectly…

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” Anatole France

In the end I suppose my reactions now reflect how I’ve felt throughout recovery, in that the most deeply terrifying thing is the possibility of success, the idea that I am capable. Every step of the way that idea provided a strange duality…both incredibly empowering and absolutely petrifying. Realising that I was able to defy my eating disorder in terms of behaviours felt this way, and for awhile now it’s felt like the ‘presence’ of it is absent mentally as well as in my actions. I think this is what scares me. Because really, it’s time to find what’s left. Anorexia was like a corrosive acid that burned it’s way through absolutely everything…it influenced every hour of every day, and times where I was able to be ‘completely myself’ without it there in the background were practically gold dust. What I anticipated about the stage I’m at now was the need to be wary and watch out for any sign of regression. What I didn’t anticipate was that the progress I’ve made would itself be bittersweet. But in any case, it’s far more positive than negative. Even the negative, I suppose, is a new opportunity. Because really, there was no other way.

(addendum number two: I got a prescription for a dopamine antagonist which is working wonders for my nausea and pain, and I’m eating much better now and not losing weight. I still have some problems and have to be careful about fibre/volume, but I’ll definitely be fine until my referral )

I am thinking of making a tumblr or something like that so I can post pictures and random stuff, and show it to my ‘real life’ friends too. I like having a place to muck around with but like I said this one is all tied up with history and suffering and complicatedness. So if/when I sort that out I’ll post the address here